The Friends & Family Problem

This is a post about your best friend's brother-in-law who's writing a novel -- and also pricing.

One of the most nagging, ongoing, and difficult problems in the life of a book coach is what I call The Friends & Family Problem.

Here’s the way it looks:

You work hard to design a business model that attracts your ideal clients. This includes packages designed to help them reach the outcomes you are best prepared to help them reach. It includes lead magnets, landing pages, and messaging to attract those customers. It features a seamless intake process that filters out writers who are not a good fit and reassures writers who are. It leads directly to a sale. Everything is in place! And then your best friend mentions that her brother-in-law* is writing a novel and wonders if you could pop over when he is visiting from Cincinnati next week to give him some tips.

* Or maybe it’s not her brother-in-law. Maybe it’s her sister. Or her neighbor. Or her assistant. Or the woman that she works with at the Foodbank on Saturdays. Or maybe it’s not your best friend. Maybe it’s your uncle. Or your mom. Or a former client who worked with you closely for three years over three books and whom you now consider a friend. Or a former client whose book earned a massive advance and who thinks you are a genius. Or a former client who has sent you three other clients in the last year.

So you say, “Of course!”

Why do you say this?

Perhaps you say this because you are a kind, generous, and good-hearted person who genuinely loves to help all the writers all the time, regardless of whether or not they ever pay you.

But odds are good that you are a kind, generous, and good-hearted person who has been trained over time to put other people at ease and to go out of your way to make everyone happy, regardless of how you actually feel about whatever it is they have asked you to do.

So then you go over to talk to the brother-in-law, turning your back on the entire system you set up to help you run an efficient business that effectively serves the writers who are your ideal clients.

Maybe you are a book coach who focuses on historical fiction with a political twist and the brother-in-law is a professor of political science who has been working on a novel set during the Cuban Missle Crisis, and he’s done a ton of homework on publishing, and has read books about narrative design, and he asks really insightful questions about dual timelines, and is so grateful for you taking the time to share your expertise. He asks what you would charge to review his first 50 pages, and asks if you have time to take on his project, and he goes on to become an ideal client. What a win! What a joy!

But most of the time that is not what happens. Here is what happens:

You are a book coach who focuses on historical fiction with a political twist and the brother-in-law turns out to be writing prescriptive nonfiction about business leadership in the healthcare sector, but he is not daunted by this disconnect and wonders if you can introduce him to some agents.

Or he turns out to have a 250,000-word manuscript that is the first in a series of seven and he has printed it out and brought it to you and wonders if you might read it and give him your thoughts — he’s in town for a week and available on Wednesday.

Or he turns out not to have written a word of his novel, because he would first like to understand how to get a publisher to pay him for his time, and when you explain that this is not the way the industry works for debut fiction, he spends 45 minutes explaining to you how publishers should change their business model to be more like the industry he has spent his career working in.

The result?

You feel taken advantage of.

You feel resentful.

You feel mad at your friend for putting you in an uncomfortable position — does she not know what you do? (Hot tip — she probably doesn’t really know.)

You wonder what’s wrong with people that they can’t understand that helping writers bring their books to life is what you do for a living and you can’t just do it for free all the time or for people who are not in a position to learn what you have to teach.

And it will happen again. It will happen over and over until you put a process into place to stop it.

Because it’s not about the friend and it’s not about the brother-in-law. It’s about you.

And if you don’t stop it, it will cost you time, money, and energy. It will be one of the things that contributes to your walking away from book coaching because you aren’t making any money and the whole thing is just grinding you down.

There are three steps to dealing with The Friends and Family Problem:

1. Change your mindset

In order to stop giving away your time and talent to friends and family, you have to change your mindset.

If you are going to take your business seriously, you have to take yourself seriously all the time — not just when the conditions are perfect and your ideal client comes through the funnel you have made for them.

You have to take yourself seriously when you are caught by surprise by someone you know and love.

You have to remember that you get to choose who you help, how you help them, and when you help them.

That’s the mindset shift: to embrace the reality that you are in charge of your business from beginning to end, which means you are in charge of how you handle these kinds of requests.

If you need to do some work around this new narrative — daily meditations, mantras to use the moment the requests come up, therapy — do it.

And if you would like some books to read to help, I would start with Playing Big by Tara Mohr and We Should All Be Millionaires by Rachel Rodgers.

2. Develop a script for handling these kinds of requests

You know that friends and family are going to ask for help, so you need to be prepared with what to say.

For example, you could say to your best friend:

“I’m happy to talk to your brother-in-law — can you send him this link so he can tell me about his project and send me a few pages in advance?”

Or

“I’m happy to talk to your brother-in-law — can you send him this link to sign up for one of my 30-minute discovery calls? That way we can determine what he really needs.”

The script should be attached to some kind of link or action that gets the writer into your system so that no one escapes the intake process you have made.

This allows you to put the brother-in-law into the same funnel you use for your ideal clients and allows you to offer him the special Friends and Family Discount I’ll discuss below.

When the brother-in-law is in your funnel, you are in control of how what he sees, including your pricing, your schedule, your area of expertise, your services, and your philosophy. You are in control of how much time you spend, and what he pays. You can offer a small bit of help without feeling trapped or cornered.

Then when you go to the barbecue at your best friend’s house and the brother-in-law is there, you can just be polite:

“It was so nice to speak to you about your novel. I hope it’s going well…. It is? How great! Did you try to guacamole?”

Or

“It was so nice to speak to you about your novel. I hope the resources I sent for starting a book are helpful to you…. Oh, you have a few more questions? Great! You can use the link I sent to sign up for another strategy session.”

Or

“It was so nice to speak to you about your novel — I’m glad we determined that I am not the right kind of coach to help you…. Am I sure that I don’t want to take a look at the manuscript? I am sure. My business is full up with writers of historical fiction.”

Random Strangers

The same kind of script can work for random strangers who approach you — except they don’t get the Friends & Family Discount.

Let’s say someone comes up to you at a party and says, “Peter tells me that you’re a book coach and I’ve started writing a book about my family’s used car business — can I pick your brain about getting an agent?”

You could say:

“That’s awesome you’re writing a book! I’ve taken time off work to be here at my kid’s soccer celebration so I’d rather not talk about work right now, but I can give you the URL to check out the coaching packages page on my website.”

Or you could just say:

“My brain is not available for picking.”

If the person coming up to you seems like your ideal client, you can, of course, chat with them, talk about your work and what you do, and tell them you would love to set up a time to speak with them about their project. The goal is the same as it is with the brother-in-law — which is to get the prospective client into the funnel you made for them.

The Pro-Bono Script

Back when I was speaking all over the country for my breast cancer book, a speaking agent taught me an incredibly useful script. I was struggling because there were so many groups who wanted me to speak and who did not have a budget. The cause was so worthy and I wanted to be of service; I felt compelled to say yes to everyone.

But remember what I said above about resentment? I was starting to really feel it. My agent helped me raise my prices from the “free to $250” range to a minimum of $5,000. All we did was just make the change — and come up with a script I would use for responding to requests that were under the $5,000 price threshold:

“I would be happy to come speak to your group. Do you have a budget?… No? I have four pro-bono slots a year for these kinds of events, and I have room in May or September of this year. Would either of those times work for your organization?”

Or

“I would be happy to come speak to your group. Do you have a budget?… No? I have four pro-bono slots a year for these kinds of events, and I prioritize groups that serve ___________________. Does that mission align with yours?”

Or

“I would be happy to come speak to your group, but I have four pro-bono slots a year for these kinds of events and they are already full. If you would like to book me for next year, you could be first up!”

3. Come up with a Friends & Family Discount

If you wish to have a discount in place to help out friends and family members, make it a policy.

The Friends & Family Discount is 50% off my regular rate.

The Friends & Family Discount is 20% off my regular rate for the first three deadlines.

The Friends & Family Discount is that I give the first step in my funnel for free — whatever that package is.

It sounds LEGIT to refer to this policy:

“I’d be happy to help your brother-in-law and if you give him this URL before we meet, I can get a sense of his project and see some sample pages page. I’m happy to offer him my Friends & Family Discount for that first session.”

Having a plan, a script, and a discount means that you can be kind to both the people who are asking for your help and to yourself.

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Want to learn more about pricing?

Join me on July 12th for a masterclass on The Art of Pricing. We already have the minimum number of participants for both the session for new coaches and the session for experienced coaches — and there are still seats available. Check it out HERE.

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