FAQ: How Does a Client Become a Friend?
7 thoughts about moving a client into the friend zone (and a bunch of lessons on setting boundaries.)
After the posts I wrote on hanging out with KJ Dell’Antonia (KJ) at her Hollywood TV show premiere (here and here), some book coaches commented that it seemed as if KJ and I had become friends.
My answer was that we had, indeed, become friends — we have traveled together, eaten a bunch of really fun meals together, shopped together, helped each other through some difficult work moments, and cleaned out our closets together, even though she lives in New Hampshire and I live in Southern California.
I added that a great many of my clients have become my friends, and the question the coaches then asked was: how do you do that? How do you go from being someone’s book coach to being their friend? How does it not get weird?
It’s a good question so I spent some time thinking about how it happens because it has happened to me a lot. I came up with 7 realities about this shift.
Note that I am not tackling here the question of whether a client should become a friend. There are some professions where it is unethical, like with a therapist and a patient. But I don’t think we have those same issues. If anyone thinks I am wrong about that, I would be interested in hearing your thoughts in the comments.
1. You have to like each other
It seems silly to even write that down, but how does anyone become a friend to anyone? It starts because you like them. You enjoy their company. You are comfortable with their energy. You have a lot of things you want to talk about. You get their worldview and their humor. You admire them. And vice versa.
Early in your book coaching career, you work with anyone you can. As you grow, you define your ideal client more specifically. And the pinnacle is when you can select exactly the kind of writer you want to work with and the kind of project you want to work on. Being highly selective naturally leads to your choosing people you like, so friendship becomes more likely.
We spend a lot of time with our clients — more time than we probably spend with many of our actual friends. When I was coaching KJ in earnest, for example, we were meeting once a week for many months, sometimes for hours at a time. We were engaged in a creative process that we both cared deeply about, so the conditions for friendship were present.
2. You have to be a professional and a human — all at the same time
One of the reasons I like my work as a book coach so much is that I get to bring many parts of myself to the tasks at hand — my professional expertise and experience, and my whole human self.
We would all choose a surgeon who is great with the knife but has a terrible bedside manner, but I’m not so sure the same is true with a book coach. And people certainly don’t become friends with people who are one-dimensional.
In my professional role as a book coach, I am managing the project. I am a guide, a cheerleader, a sounding board, and an editor.
I am giving direction and assignments and saying, “I’d like to see you do X by Y date,” or “I don’t think you have that scene nailed yet,” or “The end is still not working” or “Would you consider another POV?” or “Why do you think that chapter is causing you to meltdown and eat all the chocolate? Can we talk about that?”
I might say, “Please don’t ask your husband to edit your pages until we are finished editing” or “Is it possible you could put these pages away for a month to get some clarity around them?”
I am the authority, but I am not lording it over my clients just because they are paying me or need my expertise or asking for my help. I am also a human.
Sometimes I’m going to get things wrong. Sometimes I’m going to overstep. Sometimes I’m going to feel sick. Sometimes my adult child is going to call in tears five minutes before a coaching call and I’m going to have to text to say that I’m going to be late — and hope they have time to go over on the other end of the scheduled call.
And when these things happen, I try to own them. In other words, I’m realistic and vulnerable with my client about my life and my limits. I apologize. I say, “I thought about it and I was wrong,” or “I changed my mind,” or “I don’t actually have any idea how to help you — let me think about it.”
The point is that you can’t become friends with someone if you are only being a professional and never a human.
3.) You have to make sure money is not weird
Money can be weird in all kinds of relationships for all kinds of reasons, and when running a business you want to make sure the money is not weird.
What I mean by that is that your prices have to be clear (see below). Your outcomes and the end of your packages have to be clear (see below.) You have to feel that you are being well compensated for the time you are spending and the value you are bringing (see my whole series on pricing). You have to be comfortable asking for money and accepting money. You have to be comfortable talking about money.
And if you’re not? It will be bad for business for sure, but it will be a dealbreaker for any potential friendship.
I once had a client who had become a friend and at one point they asked me to do something outside the scope of our agreement, which was to read an entire manuscript over one weekend in the middle of crisis revision on a publishing deadline. The way they asked it, it sounded like they might have literally been asking me to do it as a favor. I was like, WAIT, WHAT?? ARE YOU SERISOULY ASKING ME TO DO THAT FOR FREE??
But instead of making an assumption or wringing my hands, I said something clear and direct. Something like this: “I want to help but I would need to charge for that and, in fact, I would need to charge my rush rate plus extra for the weekend, so it would be 3x my regular rate.”
The client said, “Yes, of course — fine.” And there was nothing weird about it. What would have been weird is if I had said nothing and asked for nothing and just done it and ruined a weekend. I probably would have ruined the friendship.
Another time, I was working at a greatly reduced rate for someone who was also becoming a friend. It was an exciting project and a special situation and I had freely offered my services. But then the project got intense, as projects do, and I was working the way that I worked in my worst days as a book coach — scrambling to finish pages at 11pm, working 7 days a week, bending over backwards to make it all work.
I was furious with myself for putting myself in that position — yet again. And this time for no money. But I liked the person and I liked the project. So I immediately texted them and said, “This has gotten out of balance and we need to talk about my role and compensation.”
We sat down and I explained what I was feeling. They heard me. We came up with a solution, which involved me not working the way I was working. We moved on to finish the project and finish strong. And there was nothing weird about it.
Still another time, I raised my rates and a client felt that she could no longer afford to work with me. She wanted to go work instead with someone I had trained. She brought this up to me in a calm, straightforward manner, and I did not get weird about it. But I did say, “Can we still be friends?” And she laughed and said yes, and we are.
You simply can’t be weird about money.
4.) You have to have a clearly defined coaching offer — what it is and what it is not — and you have to hold those boundaries
Muddy boundaries around your coaching offer are problematic for a thousand reasons, but defining them and adhering to them will help enormously when it comes to becoming friends with a client.
Can a client email you between deadlines to ask questions? Can they text you on a Friday night when their agent calls them to say they got a book deal? If it’s no for the client, is it no for the client who is a friend? Or for the friend who used to be a client?
You can see how this can get tricky — fast — and how the only way through is to be straightforward and clear.
Being your friend doesn’t mean that the person can take advantage of you. See above. And below.
5.) You have to have a clearly defined end to your coaching programs — when it is over — and you have to hold those boundaries
This step is critically important for coaching, in general. The end of a project is just another boundary, but it’s the most important boundary.
You need a way to say, “I have fulfilled my obligation to you and you have fulfilled yours to me. Our coaching arrangement is done.” Having an offboarding process is the best way to convey this message to your clients.
They pay their final invoice, you thank them (and maybe recap the work you did together or congratulate them or say you are so proud of them), and ask for a testimonial. If they are going off to revise or pitch or write the whole manuscript and you wish to keep in touch with them in a professional sense, you might say, “Please keep me up to date on your progress. I would be so interested to hear how this turns out.”
You be especially firm about this step with a client who becomes a friend.
If, after the coaching arrangement has ended, you want to help them out by doing work for them at a reduced fee or no fee, you need to make it clear. You have to say, “I’d like to help you with this one thing as a favor — would you allow me to do that?”
Put a defined scope even on the work you offer to do as a favor (this one thing) — otherwise, you might again find yourself on a slippery slope.
6.) You have to make a “bid” for friendship
I learned this concept from my client Michael Melcher, who also became a friend. (Hi Michael! 👋) He was writing a book called Your Invisible Network: How to Create, Maintain, and Leverage the Relationships That Will Transform Your Career. It’s a fantastic book — I highly recommend it. It outlines a relationship-based way of building your business and enriching your life all at the same time.
One of the concepts Michael writes about is recognizing when people make bids for your friendship — when they are reaching out to offer something to you, which could be mentorship or allyship or the chance to become a friend. If you want to accept, accept!
Michael also advocates making bids to people you like and care about and want to stay connected to. So you say, “When you finish this manuscript, we should get on the phone and chat sometime just to chat!” or “I’m coming to your town next month, would you like to meet for lunch?”
Open Yourself to Friendship
In thinking about all this, I have been reminded about how rich and rewarding my life in book coaching has been.
I love the work of helping people find their voice, and helping them bring their ideas and stories in the world, and showing them how powerful they are.
But I also love the people.
An Invitation
I will be holding three Open Houses next week to answer questions about Author Accelerator’s Certified Book Coaching Program. There will not be a formal presentation and there will not be a sales pitch or a special offer or a recording. It will just be me in a zoom room talking about whatever you want to talk about.
You can sign up for the Open House events here: SAVE YOUR SPOT FOR THE OPEN HOUSE
Wonderful, actionable advice. Thanks so much for sharing it.